Jokes

I always wanted to publish a joke book. Here is what I have so far. My friends and I made all of them up. Comment if you need any explained to you, and tell me which ones you like the best :)

Clowns
What do you get when you cross a clown with a basketball player?
A tall guy with funny hair and make-up, but at least his shoes fit!

What did the suspicious clown say?
I’ve got a funny feeling.

Did you hear about the rabbit that wanted to be a clown?
They called him a "funny bunny."

Why did they use a blood hound to find the lost clown?
It had a good scent of humor.

Food
Why did the starving man refuse to eat?
He was being irrational.

What did the bare-footed man get when he stepped on a strawberry?
Toe-jam!

What do savages eat in Poland?
Polish dogs!

What do cannibals eat in France?
French fried.

What do you get when you mix french fries and lettuce?
Potato salad!

What did the cannibals eat when they caught a skinny cook?
Chef salad!

What did the cannibals eat when they caught a fat chef?
Cook-ies! -(Mom)

What did the little cake say to the sleepy wedding cake?
You look tiered!

Unleavened bread: “Boss, I need a raise.”
Boss: “Why?”
Unleavened bread: “I’m flat broke.” -(Mom)

Getting in trouble
Why did the little rope get a spanking?
Because he was being knotty!

Why did the little nose get a spanking?
He was being snotty!

Why did the little pig get lectured during dinner?
Because he wasn't eating sloppy.

Cops and robbers
Why did the belt get arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants! –(Jason Dudley)

What did the robbers do to the chip?
They bagged him! -(Chance Lunceford)

Did you hear about the robbers who held a rope hostage?
They tied it up!

How did the police officer win the tug-o-war?
He pulled them over.

Chickens
Why don't they let chickens fly on airplanes?
Because chickens can't fly

Why can't chickens fly?
Because we eat all the wings.

Why do chickens play the guitar?
They can't play the drums because we eat all the drumsticks!

Why don't they let chickens on stage?
They don't like fowl-plays.

Monsters, zombies, and death
Did you hear about the zombie party in the middle of the night?
It was so loud it woke the dead!

Did you hear about the sophisticated funeral party?
It was a black tie affair.

What did the funny guy say to the sad man in black?
Good mourning.

Blind dudes
Why was the blind guy worried when he got sick?
Because he couldn’t see a doctor.

Why was the sleepy guy legally blind?
He couldn't keep his eyes open!

What did the blind dude say when he got dizzy?
I can't see straight!

Did you hear about the invisible man who insincerely complemented a girl?
She saw right through it!

Fireworks
Why did the silly person get superman before doing fireworks?
The label said, "Use only under supervision."

Why did the firework scream?
You would too if someone lit you on fire!

Skunks
What do you get when you cross skunks with fireworks?
Skunks that sprays sparks!

Why don't skunks go to heaven?
Because they have a bad smell.

Why do skunks have bad noses?
So they can't smell good!

What's black, pink, and stinks?
A sunburned skunk!

What smells worse than a skunk?
A dead skunk!

Why do stinkbugs avoid skunks?
They don’t like the smell.

Why did the other team shoot 2 free-throws when the skunk played basketball?
Because it was too foul.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?
Fowl!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a skunk?
Hair spray!

Did you hear about the skunk that got charged for disturbing the peace?
It was too noisome!

Why do skunks make good clowns?
Because they smell funny.

Other animals
What did the cheetah say to the barber?
You missed a spot!

How do Chinese cats say, hello?
“Mehow!”

Why did the cow turn on the radio?
To listen to moo-sic.

Why did the alligator swallow a toad and a telephone?
To be a croak-a-dial

What do chimpanzees wear for a race?
Aprons. (ape-runs)

Anger management
What did Pete angrily say when he removed that last blood-sucking creature?
“Now I’m ticked-off!”

Did you hear about the mean knife?
It made cutting remarks!

What does a mad clock say?
I'm ticked!

What did the angry shirt say to the iron?
“Don’t press me!”

Did you hear about the stick that lost its temper?
It snapped!

Philosophical
Why couldn’t Aristotle lift weights?
Because he had so much weighing down on him.

Did you hear about the bomb who studied math?
It blew his mind.

Why couldn’t the philosopher hold his head up straight?
There was a lot on his mind.

Did you hear about the Buddhist missionaries who taught a bunch of apes?
They converted them into monkeys!

Did you hear about the Buddhist squirrel that liked Doritos?
They called it the chip-monk.

What religion is a pickle?
Born-Again cucumber!

How does Moses do his hair?
He parts it.

What do you call it when a Catholic priest passes over train tracks?
A railroad crossing!

Quote
To err is human; some of us are just more human than others.

Book title
Public Vandalism by John Carver

Unclassified
What did the claustrophobic person say when she got sick?
My nose is stuffy!

Why did the cucumber laugh when she spilled vinegar on herself?
She was pickelish.

Why can electricians multi-task?
Because they use alternating current!

Why did the man cut his feet when he stepped on the lawn?
Because of all the blades of grass!

Berry: Did you hear about the lady who used her credit card every day?
Lambert: That's what I call debt-ication.

How did the tree feel when spring returned?
Relieved (re-leaved)

Why did the bodybuilder want to go to school?
Because he heard the grading system was weighted.

Yeah, I heard it...
Did you hear the one about the clown?
It's funny

Did you hear the one about the tire?
It'll get you rolling!

Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't talk?
Awe, It's pretty dumb, anyway.

Did you ever hear the one about the fishing pole?
It's reely funny!

Did you hear the one about the good looking girl?
It's pretty funny.

Did you hear the one about the devil?
Now that's a bad one!

Did you hear the one about the protein shake?
It's whey funny!

Did you hear the one about the man of steel?
It's super funny!

Did you hear the one about the secret agent?
Neither have I!

Did you hear the one about the road?
Never mind; it's long and boring.

Random riddles
What do you call a ditzy girl from the North pole?
A snow flake!

What can jump a hundred feet in the air?
A centipede.

Where do germs like to surf?
In microwaves!

Which one of your relatives sits on top of a television?
Aunt Anna (antenna)!

How do dirty mechanics wash their hair?
By changing the oil!

Why did the poacher cross the road?
To get to the other hide!

Why are skiers good at algebra?
They can always find the slopes

Where are hangings reported?
In the noose-paper

How does a smart old guy comb his hair?
With a sage-brush.

What do you get when you cross a light bulb with a car?
A traffic light!

What do the reindeer pull on Santa's farm?
A snow plow!

How are a relative and a little black bug related?
One's an aunt; the other’s an ant!

Where does Swiss cheese come from?
Holy Cows –(Brian Coleman)

Why did the rock get suspended from school?
Because he was a stoner.